The Scarlet Pimpernel For Dummies
by The Lark
Summary: Well, what more can I say? It's the Scarlet Pimpernel for dummies. Hopefully good for a laugh or two.


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The Scarlet Pimpernel For Dummies

By The Lark

Disclaimer: Okay, you know the drill. SP isn't mine. I OWN NOTHING. ZILCH. NADA. NICHTS. RIEN.

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Cast of Characters

The Scarlet Pimpernel: Masked hero and all around good guy

Lady Marguerite Blakeney: The "Cleverest Woman In Europe"; wife of Sir Percy

Sir Percy Blakeney, Baronet: British millionaire with an inane smile

Armand Chauvelin: The bad Armand; a member of the French Jacobin government

Armand St. Just: The good Armand; Marguerite's brother

Sir Andrew Ffoulkes: Sir Percy's best friend; member of the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel

Lord Anthony Dewhurst: Another member of the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel

Comtesse de Tournay: Judgemental French snob

Suzanne de Tournay: Daughter of the above; in love with Sir Andrew

Bibot: Guy with a guillotine

Jellyband: A nosy innkeeper

The Jew: A grimy old man; popular target for racism

Paris, 1792

Bloodthirsty French Mob: _(crowds around guillotine, clamoring for blood)_ YEA! DEATH, DEATH, DEATH!!

Bibot: _(marches several chained nobles onto the platform)_ Another day, another execution. Ah, how I love the smell of blood in the morning! But wait a minute! Somebody in this crowd isn't clamoring! (_grabs a little street urchin from the crowd by the collar)_ Off with his head!

Crippled Old Man: But he's deaf and dumb. He can't clamor.

Bibot: _(Ah, a wise guy, eh? whips out a set of rusty manacles)_ To the dungeons with you! _(giggles gleefully)_ I love my work…

Hag in a Wagon: Ooh, blood. Cool! Can I have their scalps when you're done with them?

Bibot: What a sicko

Hag: Oh, shut up or I'll cough on you!

Bibot and the Mob: EEEEE! Run away!

Hag: Wimps _(rips off her mask and wig, to reveal…)_

The Scarlet Pimpernel: _(strikes dashing pose) _Haha! Yes, it is I, that demmed elusive

Pimpernel, come to rescue humanity from the evils of democracy!

League of the Scarlet Pimpernel: Yay! Pimpy, Pimpy, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!

The Pimpernel: Sink me, this heroism stuff rocks! _(spirits prisoners away)_ Quick--to the Fop Mobile!

****

The Fisherman's Rest inn, Dover, a little bit later

Andrew Ffoulkes and Lord Tony: _(skip triumphantly into the inn, the Comtesse de Tournay and her children in tow)_

Lord Tony: Odd's fish, I love liberating these high class snobs! It's a lot more interesting than getting a real job.

Ffoulkes: La, I dunno. I think I've had enough of high adventure. I'm ready to settle down to a boring aristocratic life of cards, dice, and hen-pecking. _(snuggles up to the daughter)_ You know Mademoiselle, this heroism stuff turns some women on…

Suzanne de Tournay: _(blush)_ Hee hee. You know, this damsel in distress stuff turns some guys on…

__

(Corny romantic music begins to play)

Lord Tony: Ahem. Can we change the subject?

Jellyband the Inkeeper: Okay! How about if we sing the praises of the Scarlet Pimpernel for a while?

Everyone: M'kay! Pimpy, Pimpy, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can! Yaaaaay, Pimpy!

Lady Marguerite Blakeney: _(enters room)_ Hi everybody!

Everybody: _(spits and hisses)_

Marguerite: What? What'd I do?

Comtesse de Tournay: You reported a traitor to your government. Now you must be ostracized.

Marguerite: But why?

Comtesse de Tournay: Because we're aristocrats, and ostracizing people is one of the perks.

Marguerite: Meanie.

Comtesse de Tournay: _(begins to sputter indignantly)_ You have insulted my honor. (_taps her son on the shoulder)_ Hey you, sic her!

Sir Percy Blakeney, Bart. _(walks inside)_ Hi everybody. What's all the ruckus? (_inane smile)_

Vicomte de Tournay: Your wife and my mommy had an argument. Now we have to have to battle to the death.

Sir Percy: _(yawn)_ Get real, you crazy frog-eater. Zounds, I could break a nail! _(wanders off in search of a mirror)_

Marguerite: Wimp. _(sigh)_ Why did I have to fall in love with a loser like him? Why couldn't I have fallen for someone dreamy like that Pimpernel guy?

Lord Tony and Sir Andrew: _(look uneasy)_

Marguerite: _(despondent sigh)_ Oh, Percy… _(steps out outside)_

When I look at you

What I always see

Is the face of someone else who once belonged to me!

And love--

The Author of this Parody: _(taps on her computer screen)_ Hey, cut that out! This is supposed to be based on the novel version, not the musical.

Marguerite: Whoops. Well, suffice it to say, my marriage is in a shambles.

Armand St. Just: _(hugs her)_ Well, I still love ya, sis!

Marguerite: Right back at ya, bro.

_(Insert unrealistically warm and fluffy family moment here)_

Armand: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to get back to my bloodthirsty comrades in France.

Marguerite: Bye then. Don't lose your head!

Armand: Not funny (_goes home)_

Marguerite:_ (despondent sigh)_

Chauvelin: _(inhales snuff)_ Hey, Citoyenne, remember me? Your old boyfriend Chauvelin!

Marguerite: _(looks annoyed)_ Chauvelin, for the three-hundred-and-fifty-seventh time, you're not my boyfriend.

Chauvelin: Whoops, did I say that out loud?

Marguerite: Yeah. Fortunately, though, I'm so lonely that even you seem like good company.

Chauvelin: _(inhales snuff)_ So, how's life with the fop?

Marguerite: _(deadpan)_ Don't go there

Chauvelin: _(inhales snuff)_ That bad, huh? Told ya so. Well okay, I'll cut to the chase. I've come to ask you to help me spy on that demmed elusive Pimpernel.

Marguerite: When Hell freezes over! _(wistful sigh)_ The Pimpernel's dreamy…mmm

Chauvelin: Hee hee…secretive grin Oh, think I might be able to persuade you otherwise…_(evil laughter)_ heh heh heh heh…MWAHAHAHAHAHA-- (_pauses to inhale snuff)_ --HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Marguerite: _(wanders back inside)_ Weirdo. He must have forgotten his meds again.

****

The Convent Garden Theatre:

Assorted snobs: What's this? The ugly little Republican has crashed our party!

Comtesse de Tournay: _(fumbles for smelling salts)_ AGH! RUN! He's come to have Lady Blakeney trap the Pimpernel!

Lady Portarles: Quit ragging on Lady Blakeney, you crazy old bat.

Chauvelin: (inhales snuff) Marguerite, I've come to have you trap the Pimpernel.

Marguerite: _(annoyed)_ What part of "when Hell freezes over" don't you understand?

Chauvelin: _(inhales snuff)_ Okay, let me put it this way--help me find out who the Pimpernel is, or your brother gets it!

Marguerite: _(despondent sigh)_ Okay, fine, I'm in._ (lowers her voice)_ Nasty little son of a --

Chauvelin: What?

Marguerite: _(looks innocent)_ Nothing, Citoyen!

****

Lord Grenville's Ball

Sir Percy: _(inane smile)_ Hiya! Who's the frog-eater? _(points at Chauvelin's clothes)_ Ha ha! Chambertin shops at Wal-Mart!

Marguerite: _(weary sigh)_ Percy, go play.

Sir Percy: _(inane smile)_ La. Okay. _(turns to the Prince of Wales)_ Hey, wanna hear my new song?

Prince of Wales: Duh…m'kay.

Sir Percy: They seek him here, they seek him there, those Frenchies seek him everywhere! Is he in Heaven or is he in Hell? That demmed elusive Pimpernel!

Assorted snobs: Nicely done, Blakeney _(applaud enthusiastically)_ He may be an idiot, but he sure is entertaining!

****

A Few Hours Later:

Marguerite: Let's see…gotta find someone to tell me about the Pimpernel…

Ffoulkes: (_conveniently appears)_

Marguerite: He'll do falls on him

Ffoulkes: Um…are you okay there?

Marguerite: _(snatches a paper from his pocket)_ Yoink! (_begins to snoop)_

Ffoulkes: Hey! Gimme back that secret messag-…er, I mean, love letter.

Marguerite: Uh…right…love letter. Sure _(hands it back)_ Hehehehehehe…_(runs out sneakily)_

Ffoulkes: _(lifts an eyebrow quizzically)_ Well, that was weird. What on Earth would a notoriously bloodthirsty Republican sympathizer want with a document revealing the whereabouts of the Republic's most hated enemy?

Marguerite: Alright, Chauvelin, I found out that the Pimpernel's going to be in the library at one. Happy?

Chauvelin: Very.

Marguerite: What about my brother?

Chauvelin:_ (pulls out his snuffbox)_ Not now, Citoyenne, I have to go feed my nicotine addiction. _(wanders off)_

Marguerite: scowls Those demmed frog-eaters. (_facepalm_) Dang it, now he's got _me_ doing it! That's it, I'm out of here.

****

Blakeney Manor, Richmond, a few _more_ hours later:

Marguerite: _(wandering around sulkily)_ Man, it sucks to be me. _(notices Percy passing nearby)_ Hey, Percy, get over here and console me!

Sir Percy: glowers No way. You've treated me like dirt ever since we got married, remember?

Marguerite: Only because you thought I was a murderess.

Sir Percy: Well, why shouldn't I? You never told me otherwise. Sink me, what did you

want me to do--grovel at your feet, blindly believing in your perfection?

Marguerite: Yep

Sir Percy: Well, you can forget it, doll-face--I'm my own man, not some stupid little lap-dog.

Marguerite: Then why are you wearing that dog leash around your neck?

Sir Percy: Because the Prince finds it amusing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got places to go and cravats to try on.

Marguerite: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA! _But the murder wasn't my fault_!

Sir Percy: It wasn't? _(sheepishly)_ Oh…Um…La. Guess I shouldn't have let all my friends ostracize you for the past year then, huh?…_(sigh)_ Aw, shucks, don't get all weepy on me. What was it that you wanted?

Marguerite: _(stops crying abruptly)_ Save my brother

Sir Percy: Very well.

Marguerite: _(brightens)_ Thanks, baby!

Sir Percy: Yeah, yeah. Just go on up to bed so I can be alone to wallow in my guilt.

Marguerite: Okay _(walks away)_

Sir Percy: (_kisses the ground she has walked on)_

Random Servant: Um, are you okay, Sir Percy?

Sir Percy: _(looks embarrassed) _How many times have I told you people? Never interrupt me when I'm alone with my driveway! Oh, never mind that, I've got a brother-in-law to

rescue (_goes to get his horse)_

Marguerite: Where're you going in such a hurry?

Sir Percy: To go save your brother, remember?

Marguerite: Well, don't get yourself killed or anything. You're awfully cute when you're not acting like a dork. Hurry back!

Sir Percy: Anything for you, baby! La, you're pretty cute yourself when you're not treating me like dirt. Bye!

Marguerite: _(skips upstairs happily)_ Yay! Mmm, my man's so brave. I guess I love him, even if he _is _about as sharp as a doorknob.

****

The Next Day:

Marguerite: _(wanders into Percy's room)_ Gosh, I wish my man were here to comfort me. Ah well, I guess I'll just have to settle for snooping through his room until he gets back. (_pokes about)_ Hm, looks like he's got some taste after all. I wonder why he's always acting like such a dolt? And why he's always taking mysterious trips out of the country? And why the trips always seem to coincide with the Pimpernel's rescue missions? And why he's got a bunch of maps of France, marked with escape routes, hanging in his room? And why he's got a scarlet pimpernel engraved into his ring? _(looks thoughtful)_ I'm sure I can figure it out, after all, I am the cleverest woman in Europe…Of course! Percy must be secretly plotting to run away to Paris and become a male fashion model!

Suzanne: Hi Marguerite! How's it going?

Marguerite: Pretty well, and with you?

Suzanne: Oh, I'm in a great mood! The Scarlet Pimpernel's just gone to France to rescue my dad.

Marguerite: _(gets a light bulb over her head) _Of course! The Scarlet Pimpernel! _(dances away gleefully)_ Percy's the Scarlet Pimpernel! Wow, my man is soooo cool! Too bad I just betrayed him. _(suddenly serious)_ Gah! Oh no! I just betrayed him! _Somebody help!_

****

London:

Marguerite: Sir Andrew! Sir Andrew!

Ffoulkes: Yes Lady Blakeney?

Marguerite: No time for chit-chat. My man is in deep trouble!

Ffoulkes: You mean you know about the Scarlet Pimpernel? Sir Percy said he wasn't going to tell you because he was afraid you'd betray him. So, what's wrong?

Marguerite: I betrayed him!

Ffoulkes: Odd's fish, what were you thinking?

Marguerite: You can't blame me for that! I'm the heroine, remember?

Ffoulkes: Oh, right. Sorry.

Marguerite: No problem. Now tell me where I need to go to rescue that dreamy leader of yours.

Ffoulkes: _You_ rescue Percy? But I'm the trusty sidekick--that's my job. Besides, you're a chick.

Marguerite: _(grabs him by the collar and shakes him threateningly)_ Don't mess with me, Sir Andrew. You seem to be forgetting my reputation for having anyone who crosses me killed.

Sir Andrew: (_suddenly helpful_) I await your orders

Marguerite: Good. Now take me to my baby!

__

(They ride away)

****

The Fishermen's Rest:

Marguerite: Good evening, Jellyband. Sir Andrew and I need a room.

Jellyband: _(to Sir Andrew)_ Um, let me get this straight. You and your best friend's hot wife want a motel room?

Sir Andrew: Yeah. Don't worry, we won't need it for the whole night--just a couple of hours

Jellyband: _(with his jaw on the floor)_ I…see _(covers his daughters ears)_ Sally, go to your room!

Sir Andrew: _(goes upstairs and dresses up in a costume)_

Marguerite: You look perfect

Jellyband: Odd's life, you people are really starting to freak me out

Marguerite: _(hands him some gold)_ Any more complaints?

Jellyband: _(shuts up)_ No, milady!

Sir Andrew: We'll have to stay here tonight. It's too windy out to cross the Channel right now.

Marguerite: _(despondent sigh)_ Very well. It'll give me a chance to do some more pining. _(pines)_

****

Calais, The Next Day:

Marguerite: _(walks into the Gris Nez)_ Funny, this trashy French inn looks a lot like that trashy British inn, doesn't it, Sir Andrew? _(to the innkeeper Brogard) _Say, Citoyen, you wouldn't happen to have seen a tall, dreamy English hero come through here lately?

Brogard: Yep

Marguerite: begins to jump up and down, cheering Who-hoo! Yay! My man's here!

Sir Andrew: _(clamps a hand over her mouth) _Shut _up_

Marguerite: What? Oh, right, that whole "mortal danger" thing.

Ffoulkes: And don't celebrate yet. Chauvelin's here, too.

Marguerite: Oh no! I don't think I could bear to look upon a man as badly dressed as he.

Ffoulkes: Besides, even if we do manage to find Sir Percy, he's going to be busy saving your brother

Marguerite: Huh? Who?

Ffoulkes: Your _brother_. Armand St. Just. The guy you just betrayed your husband for.

Marguerite: Oh, right, Armand.

Ffoulkes: Aw, don't worry, Percy can handle it. He's heroic, remember?

Marguerite: Mmm…heroic…(_begins to giggle absurdly)_

Ffoulkes: Well, I've got to be going. Official sidekick business, you understand. _(leaves her)_

Marguerite: (_looks around restlessly)_ AGH! _(spots Chauvelin)_ Chauvelin! (_covers her mouth)_ Must remain calm…

Chauvelin: _(to one of his yes-men) _Right, right, so we're going to get the Pimpernel tonight on the beach near Pere Blanchard's hut? Excellent.

Percy: enters Why hello there, Monsieur Chambertin!_ (sits down at his table)_ Sink me, your outfit sure could use some work. Real men wear makeup and lace, you know._ (inane smile)_

Chauvelin: Sir Percy, you're not supposed to start mispronouncing my name until the second book in the series, remember?

Percy: Oh yeah. Well, nice chatting with you. Bye! leaves the room

Marguerite: _(squeals like a crazed fan girl)_ Mmm, he's so hot when he's insulting those with no fashion sense.

Chauvelin: Blast it all, I'm going to get that idiot! _(beckons to his yes-man) _Come on, let's go capture the Pimpernel! Did you surround the beach with soldiers?

Yes-Man: Yeah. Seems like an awful lot of manpower just to capture one guy, though. Wouldn't if be more useful to save them for that long, grueling war with Austria?

Chauvelin: Shut up. You're supposed to be a yes-man.

Yes-Man: Hey, whatever happened to Liberte, Egalite, and Fraternite?

Chauvelin: _(inhales snuff)_ That went out with _culottes_. Now hurry along! to the innkeeper Have you seen a tall, irritating English hero?

Brogard: Yep. He was borrowing a wagon from some Jew to drive to the beach.

Chauvelin: Well, what are we waiting for? To the beach, and step on it!

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOOO! He can't kill my man! (_despondent sigh)_ Oh well. I guess there's nothing left for me to do but go and die with him. Oh, how wretched I am! Oh, what torture love is! Oh, how--

Brogard: _(cuts her off in mid-wail)_ I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're frightening all my customers away.

Marguerite: _(runs after Chauvelin)_

****

The Cliffs Near Calais:

Marguerite: Yeow! My feet are a bloody pulp. I suppose, being the cleverest woman in Europe, I should have had the foresight to bring some running shoes along on this adventure.

Chauvelin: Look, it's the Jew! You, there, grimy old Jew. Take us to Pere Blanchard's hut.

The Jew: Anything you wish, my racist friend _(does as he's told)_

Marguerite: _(runs after them…again)_

Chauvelin: _(to the Jew) _Thanks, you've been very helpful. Unfortunately, being a Jew, you can't be trusted. binds and gags the Jew Hey, what's that sound? feels around in the dark

Marguerite! _(ties her up)_ Heh heh! Let's see you rescue your precious fop now!

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chauvelin: _(shoves a gag in her mouth_) Could you keep it down a bit, Citoyenne? That really hurt my ears. Now, if you'll just sit here and shut up, I'll let your brother go like I promised.

Marguerite: _(screams a slough of choice words that are muffled by the gag)_

Chauvelin: _(to his men)_ Now go get the Pimpernel.

__

(They do)

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOO! Run Percy! Run Armand! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chauvelin: _(cringe)_ Somebody put that gag back in her mouth! gags her Much better

Chauvelin's Yes-Men: (_march back to him, shuffling their feet awkwardly)_ Uh, sorry boss, but they kind of got away.

Chauvelin: You idiots! Off with your heads!

Chauvelin's Yes-Men: But we were only following _your_ stupid orders!

Chauvelin: Silence! _(notices a slip of paper on the ground)_ What's this? _(reads)_ Why, the Pimpernel's not even here! He's back at the creek! We'd better hurry before he gets away!

Yes-Men: _(wearily follow) _Ugh. And we don't even get paid overtime for this.

Chauvelin: And don't forget to beat up the Jewish guy before we leave

Yes-Men: sigh Yes sir. _(lash the Jew)_

Marguerite: _(still tied up on the beach near the Jew)_ Uh, hello? Guys? What about me?

Chauvelin: What? Oh. I guess you'll just have to stay here until I can spare a guy to untie you. Mwahahaha! So long, suckers! _(charges away, his yes-men reluctantly trailing behind him)_

Marguerite: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PERCY! ARMAND! OH, WOE IS ME!

The Jew: Chill, Margot. Here I am! _(rips of his wig and mask to reveal…)_

Sir Percy: Ta-da!fMarguerite: (_falls into his arms) _Percy-kins!

Sir Percy: Yep. I just got back from rescuing your brother, and now we're all set for the happy ending.

__

(Long, sappy kissing scene)

Marguerite: My hero! I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me for that whole treachery thing?

Sir Percy: Sure. No problem. _(lifts her into his arms_)

Marguerite: Percy, weren't you just brutally whipped across the back? Shouldn't that hurt a little bit?

Sir Percy: Nothing can harm me. I'm heroic, remember? Now, let's go back to my yacht and sail off into the sunset.

__

(Insert corny romantic music)

THE END


End file.
